Lost Soul Swimming in a ……

I have no idea why I was killed yesterday.  It is not like yesterdays matter anymore. I returned from a pleasant afternoon run where I pushed myself well past my limits. It was a joyous hour run where I felt more alive than I have in weeks. I looked forward to a shower and dinner out with my wife. Food always tastes better after a decent workout. These nights where to be savored.

While I am able to reflect on this is a somewhat a mystery to me and a mystery no one will will ever solve. Wars have been fought over this, many lives lost, probably over nothing.  One day they will figure out who murdered me.  Why I am able to reflect that’s my little secret.

While heading toward the mailbox, I waved to our neighbor as she awkwardly pulled out of her driveway. My former world suddenly went black as the mailbox remained ajar flapping in the breeze.  And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why somebody would kill me. But they did. And I am going to figure out why they killed me if it is last thing I do.  Sorry, for the bad choice in words at my expense.

I am a little bit grumpy right now as I did not expect things to turn out this way. I was never much of a religious person. I thought the concept of heaven and hell absurd. I thought that with down right holy conviction. And here I sit in eternity proven absolutely wrong.  There is a heaven and that pisses me off at this moment. There were no pearly gates, or judgement days. The entrance to heaven felt more like the finishing chute at a major marathon. Volunteers gave me water, a space blanket and a hearty high five for finishing. One volunteer looked vaguely like a gal I used to know. She gave me a crooked smile as I walked away. For a splendid second, I felt like I was walking on clouds expecting the endorphins to kick in. They never did.  My legs felt dead, especially my hamstrings. They have always been my achilles heel. A beagle nudged my calves as her leash hung from her mouth,  I gently led her, of course with her nose to the clouds, in the direction everybody seemed to be heading.

I really needed the endorphin rush as the garden of Eden was was not exactly heaven on earth. It is quite possible I may have entered through the wrong door. I had no way of knowing because I was wondering around eternity in a space blanket. And to put it bluntly, I was thankful for the space blanket because that is what happens after you have run a long way. That is you get a spine chilling chill. Usually endorphins take care of this type of thing. The laws of thermodynamics have no real foothold in Eternity. One day, I hope to change that. I really needed a beer.

I followed a lush path through an ancient growth forest full of 800 year old redwoods that surrounded a trailer park of sorts. I was intrigued by the trees as they seemed to silently try to touch the sky. Then again, I realized there was no real sky.  The sky was light blue and somewhat hypothetical in and around the horizon. It felt almost earthlike. When I looked straight up the sky it was a deep azure blue as the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time, You couldn’t beat the unobstructed view of the heavens and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the paradoxes.

Much to my mortal surprise, after enjoying the heavenly view I received a gentle tap on the shoulder.  Obviously startled, I was new here and assumed this being was simply seeking conversation. In a former life,  I always loved talking to strangers.  In retrospect, what really perplexed me  was my connection back to a bygone era where I was truly alive. Well that was all of four hours ago. But who really knows as our brains have so much electrical energy after death that this could be 500 years into the future. And I seemed to still be using it. I am just a lost soul living in a…..I have no idea why that song popped in my head.

“Hello my name is John”

“John 14:1-3 even says that Jesus is in heaven preparing a place for us to live. In heaven, those saved by God will have new bodies without the curse of sin!”

“Dear John I thought I broke up with you a long time ago.”

He didn’t get the inference.

At this point I realized I was totally naked or maybe I felt naked. My space blanket was gone. I honestly didn’t care all that much as I felt like I had been drugged. I felt like I was dying.

Despite my nakedness, I still somehow snuck an ounce past whoever was manning the pearly gates. I distinctly remember that crooked smile. Yes I had brought with me an ounce of dignity. And then I found a joint behind my ear. I have no idea how it got there or if it is of use where I am now. I am honestly having a hard time figuring out where exactly I am. This feels like a mid life crisis of sorts. I realize it is a bad time to have one. I really need to know how I got here.

There I stood next to a crystal clear stream that appeared to be rushing off a snow melt from above. I sat and stared into the water, suddenly irritated. I instantly yearned to go back to where we all belong. I could taste the ocean on my skin as I exhaled.

And where exactly was John as I was suddenly brought back to earth. I stand corrected i was brought back to reality. I was having a hard time figuring out what i was really thinking.  I was just trying to survive the serendipity here  The inadequacies of spoken language, even within one’s head, took on a different perspective . It was a living hell of sorts.

“isn’t this place just heaven?”  came a voice from right over his right shoulder.

“Hey there John”,  I replied without looking over my shoulder.

Suddenly there was a whisper in my ear and it certainly wasn’t John.

“Hola, mi nombre es Heidi” came a voice easily understood in all languages.

I thought to myself, A German girl speaking to me in Spanish is far more what I expected from heaven.  Or I had taken the wrong door. What bothered me is, that I immediately understood the nuance. I turned around slowly and gave a side eyed glance toward where the whisper came. And there she stood in all her complexity wearing a soccer kit from the Canadian Women’s team heading to the World Cup.

“Hi I am Heidi. said the gal in a Canadian Soccer Kit.

I wanted to ask her if she knew Christine Sinclair, still I kept my cool. I soon learned she worked the shift right after John.

The gal in a Canadian Soccer kit asked me if I thought this place felt like heaven. She wasn’t actually wearing an entire soccer kit, rather a jersey and a scarf. He remembered how excited he was about the Women’s World Cup. He rooted for everything Canadian with a little more fervor than most.

She spoke slowly as another girl softly played dulcimer in rhythm with her voice. A few chickens walked in rhythm with her.

“You met John already. He walks around in eternity bitter that Heaven is not exactly like he planned. He wanted angels, harps and clouds. He wanted extra credit because he made a fortune directing Chick-Fil A  commercials. He reasoned, that they closed on Sundays.  He is another lost soul”

“I am here to ask you a few questions to determine your eternity. You come before us with with extraordinary credentials. You seem to understand the metaphor in scripture and live your life accordingly. The golden rule is pretty darn simple.”

“You mean this is the pearly gated exam I thought to be true fiction my entire life?” I asked the gal in the soccer uniform.

I honestly have no idea how this process works. I just ask the questions here. It is not a bad gig and you get to meet beings from many different universes.

Universes. do you mean Universities?

No she replied with a heavenly smirk.

Interesting. Can I ask you a question?

You just did.

Can I ….never mind.  What I really wanted to know is. Am I dead?.

I don’t even know If I am dead. It certainly doesn’t feel that way but something tells me I am.

“Okay what questions do you have for me? I asked her not really wanting to get on  with the ceremony. She pretty much ignored me and started talking about the logistics that go into running this thing called eternity. She talked to me about concepts such as capacity and sustainability.  She chatted briefly about the earth’s population, its quizzical model for destruction. She told me that was not her planet of origin . I noted her cute use of a tense of  language that I never thought would ever exist.

In the voice of a yoga teacher, she told me about the thousands of religions that inhabited the universe. She found religion to be a curious spot of bother. In this place of eternity, people of a religion made up maybe one percent of the residents in eternity.

I pondered my countries reluctance to adopt the metric system, and did not give her math much credence, But I knew where she was coming from, well only  philosophically.

The soccer kit seemed so out of place. I just remembered Christine Sinclair actually played for the University of Portland. I suspected I had to keep really focused. This was the advanced Theology final I never got around to completely study. I never prepared for pearly gates questions. It never mattered all that much to me. That is until it did.

A gentle wind suddenly picked up from somewhere. It occurred to me the wind came from below. It was a wind direction I found offsetting. Suddenly Heidi was all business as she slid a pair of sunglasses down her face.

“What the hell do you need those for?

“I don’t understand your question and I need to ask you a few questions.”

I gave a passive aggressive gasp and asked her to proceed.

“So what brought you here?”

“God only knows.”

“Who?” she replied startled.

“Jesus Christ”  I answered as if it was ingrained in me.

“I am new here, stop talking to me in metaphor”

We both sat silently and not a word passed between us for hours.  She  walked away silently in a realm where footsteps could not be heard.  She then suddenly turned and sauntered back toward me and gave me a knowing wink. She extended her right hand and put two envelopes in my hand.

“What is this.” I meekly asked

“It is your mail from your mailbox, do you remember you went out to get the mail?”