The War on Xmas Trees

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
How lovely are thy branches!

The cats want me to read this Christmas story to them all the time.

A YuleTide story of a XMAS tree that lived in a box. It was an ill formed Fake Plastic Tree made by giant energetic elves somewhere in China. The tree was fabricated, designed and then formed into something that loosely resembled a Christmas tree. The tree was then disassembled and stuffed back into a banal cardboard box. It was right there where the Fake Plastic Tree started a life of malcontent, spreading Christmas melancholy to those it came in contact.

This tree would not be deterred. The metallic fir made it’s trip around the world at the expense of a giant holding company that proclaimed to be green. I will not give free advertising to the conglomerate, as they claim being environmentally friendly as their raison D’etre. Some people prefer fake plastic trees as there is no need to water, clean up escaping needles and a pine tree lives another day on some locals pseudo Christmas tree farm. In the true spirit of Christmas, many people in the Pacific Northwest (PNW) escape zoning laws by becoming farmers of Christmas trees.

Christmas Tree that lived in a box, survived the long ocean voyage and a harrowing steamy ride up the Pacific seaboard and eventually landed on a retail sales floor in a swanky boutique Kohl’s department store. Fake Plastic Tree (FTP) trained all of it’s waking life for this moment. The tree stood proud and noble earning the lofty title of -floor model.

The customers for the most part shunned Fake Plastic Tree with its glimmering lights and sparkle jet stream balls that twinkled when the light hit just right. The seasonal workers at Kohl’s developed an unusual affection to this little tree and often referred to it as FTP . Fake Plastic Tree loved the name FTP and felt like part of a community. The little girl who spilled on her an Orange Julias was a notable exception. FTP aspired to become a little more than compost under a tree in a suburban neighborhood such as Beaverton.

Which takes us to a similar neighborhood right across the river in Vancouver, Washington. No not the really cool Vancouver up in Canada rather the tragically trendy Vancouver in southwest Washington. Vancouver is where the downtown is modern day hip yet the long time locals cling to their love of the downtown Dairy Queen.

And this is how FTP, the Fake Plastic Tree ended up on a sales floor a day after Christmas looking a little worse for the wear. Part of the problem was a maintenance worker watered her on occasional evenings either thinking of wishing it were real.

All Americans simply love Boxing Day. Well to clarify most Americans who actually know of the glorious December’s celebration of Boxing day simply love it. To cut a long story short, a dedicated employee of a local school district was a big fan of Boxing day. She knew where to find a bargain of sorts. Marcy purchased the Fake Plastic Tree right off the sales floor. She paid all of eight dollars for the tree, which by this time, was visibly bent backwards with various branches protruding at seismic angles.

She demurely asked the salesmen (whose name was Sparky) whether they still had the box with which the tree resided. Sparky, as the name suggests, eagerly searched the stock room and quickly found the box. He easily folded FTP into the box. Marcy slipped Sparky an extra two bucks and a furtive smile for his troubles.

School started the following Monday and Marcy took FTP into the administration office. I am pretty sure she had no idea Fake Plastic Tree had a name. She told the administrators that she secured a tree for Christmas next year. They reminded her they would not be in this building next year due to construction and visual Christmas demonstration were not something commonly done in the schools. The assistant principal warmly thanked her and asked if it would be OK if she donated the tree to the local Goodwill.

It looked like Fake Plastic Tree was moving again. It was at that point, it took up residence in the backseat of an SUV. As fake plastic Christmas trees go, it wasn’t very happy considering that it had to share the backseat with a Black Labrador Retriever and a Jack Russell Terrier.

One day, the man and woman of the house decided they better take the tree to Goodwill. Believe me people there are plenty of better charities out there. That is a discussion for another day.

Who would not want a tall skinny inexpensive pointy tree for Christmas? Upon closer inspection, the box indicated that fake plastic tray even came with Christmas lights. Lights were always the weakest link in the Christmas tree equation.

Some executive,in a random high tower, one day came to an executive decision that the general public would desire a tree that already had lights. It sounded like a spoiled eggnog recipe for disaster.

We took FTP to the Goodwill closest to our house and learned there was no longer a Goodwill close to our house. Goodwill suppression was happening. We ended up lugging FTP to a store located in the next village over along with a few other household items. This included blankets, camping cookware and a cart used when one has a broken leg. The store took all of those random items except The ill-fated fake plastic tree.

FTP was once again destined for the backseat of a car. This time it was a 14 year old rarely driven Toyota Matrix. It was a spartan existence, pretty much free of dogs. The tree did get to listen to plenty of Canadian guitar driven rock. Before you rush to conclusions, Fake Plastic Tree was soon transported into the garage.

On a late November, cold, rainy autumn day, it was decided this tree had a bright future. Fake Plastic Tree become the official Xmas tree of our household. People put up Christmas decorations much earlier this year either out of a sense of nostalgia or more probable utter boredom. Our household never had an artificial tree and this year would be the first. It was the year of the pandemic.

This was not like Christmas in the past where it was customary to go out into the . woods, chop down a tree using a bow saw This was done lying on one’s back balanced treacherously on top a semi frozen puddle. In a weird way, those traditions are missed.

We carried fake plastic tree into the living room. We both looked at the box and collectively once again thought, wow it already has lights

Our family used to have a time honored tradition of trying to buy a live Christmas tree as quickly as possible. We recorded the event in many years and kept meticulous records. Our son and I would sprint to the local Christmas tree lot, pick out a tree, pay for the tree and sprint back home with the tree in tow. I believe the record is 18 minutes and a few seconds.

So there we stood in the living room looking at a fairly misshapen Christmas tree. The tree simply did not look happy. Fake Plastic Tree has been through plenty and now was unceremoniously introduced to Sinclair and Bobo. Bobo and Sinclair, lived a life of mischief and chicanery. Predictably, the frolicked in the box where the metal fir recently resided.

We as owners of Fake Plastic Tree were concerned about the situation. I imagine at some point FTP wished to have back the plush gig on the Kohl’s display floor. Seriously, how bad could it be for a fake tree. Plenty of houses have cats and many many more have Christmas trees and many have both. With muted trepidation, we plugged the tree into the wall socket and in the spirit of this season the lights did not work. So there we were, with a fake plastic tree and no working lights.

Then my wife decided to do something radical and actually read the directions that came with the tree. Sooner than you could say Radiohead, the tree lights sparkled with glee. The tree was now decorated and ready for the holidays. It’s still was not a majestic or even handsome tree after the lights and decorations. That is a bit of a double edge sword as we picked the most simple ornaments considering the cats that roam our land.

Still, the sullen tree looked majestic as it overlooked the cul-de-sac. It’s sparkled out the front window on a street that nobody drove. It is here, one must insert some crazy foreshadowing. A perfect mis-placed malaprop would be some big winter thunder with a tad of lightning. These days anything can happen. The light rain, hinting at snow, started as an orange cat strolled across the floor. He eyed the tree with glee and sent an ornament,made in the shape of a deer, rocketing across the living room floor

Next, Sinclair walked over like a cowboy in a semi bad western movie and did the same to an ornament shaped like an elf. After the initial onslaught, the cats Slowly started to ignore Fake Plastic Tree.

That lasted all of one one evening. Eventuality random ornaments started showing up on the living room floor. Steadfastly , we would put them back on the tree and that seemed to be a spot of bother for the cats. We never actually saw the cat move the ornaments from room to room. We started finding reindeer on the beds and snowman on our reading chairs.

Yeah, for a while it was a serene existence between the Fake Plastic Tree and real spastic cats. Then one day, we started to see the tree move on its own. It started shaking violently especially for a fake plastic tree. Upon further inspection, the cats were climbing the tree or at least attempting to climb FTP. We scared the cats away with a simple little Yule tide “GET THE F@CK off the tree”. The tree looked worried, and I was worried for the tree. Yes, the cats were slithering up and down the tree much like Mean Mister Grinch in Whoville.

Fake Plastic Tree persevered, and by now was leaning to one side. We even tried keeping the lights off, hoping by some divine intervention the cats would not see the tree. Needless to say, they saw right through that ruse.

We woke up one morning and the salvo upon Fake Plastic Tree was pretty much complete.The tree lie stretched across the living room floor with the lights surprisingly intact. Christmas tree ornaments were scattered about and not a one was surprisingly damaged.

Bobo, The orange cat, stepped over a fallen reindeer as we walked into the living room. He gave us a knowing look. The Yule tide season was taking a toll. The tree has bedraggled with branches extending in random directions. Although it is a fake it started to shed needles. The cats were winning the war on Christmas.

About three days later, The tree was once again toppled from its picture window perch. This time the living room did not look like a disaster zone as most ornaments were under a chair or in their preferred place. That place would be on the pillows in the guest-room, the room we referred to as the Cat room.

On a dreary rainy Saturday morning we decided as a couple, it just was not worth having a Christmas tree. Bobo and Sinclair sat high up in their cat skyscraper with a smile similar to another famous smiling cat. I know that sounds a tad hyperbolic still I will stick by that part of the story. The cats were absolutely smiling.

They smiled and purred as we took apart FTP. We unceremoniously put Fake Plastic Tree back into the perfect box she spent most of her life. It was a fantastic box That now once again sits in the garage , in a state of disillusion. It is sad little tree looking to find a break and it’s forever home.