Some of us Are Destined to be Idiots

Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?

Freestanding Ink Jets in upstate New York was the king of thehill for a long time in this once prospering town. The engineers at this company could be brilliant having invented hardware components, only allowing some other high-tech giants to develop and profit from them. They were never the darlings of Wall Street.  

That is until Sir Chipper Lutzburger, recently took over as Chief Executive Officer. Chipper Lutz had a master’s degree from some mythical college on the walls of his office. Everybody referred to him as Lutz. He hung the diploma on the wall next tohis desk. He was a son of a bitch who somehow surrounded him self with good people. He preached Capitalism and the American way. He believed anybody could pull themselves up by their bootstraps with a little bit of demanding work. 

The company experienced some short-term gains under the tutelage of Lutzburger, the good old American way. While keeping his outrageous salary the same, he outsourced whateverhe could. He shipped many customer facing tasks overseas while waxing poetically about good old American ingenuity. Freestanding has an extraordinarily complex product, and their customer service was top-of-the-line in the industry. It was one thing that set them apart from their competitors. Still Lutzburger insisted on slowly automating and outsourcing that part of the business. Highly skilled technicians were set free with lackluster severance packages. 

He especially abhorred the janitorial staff. He did not mingle well with the lower classes and especially if they were not white and did not speak perfect English. 

He repeated the All-familiar mantra. “Maximize shareholder wealth. “To all that were within earshot. He lived and breathed this mantra. He was the public face of the company, and he soon became one of the most recognized faces in town. He wore meticulously tailored expensive suits and outrageous bright red socks with the hint towards his favorite baseball team. If he were to be honest, you did it for attention. 

Part of his public persona was the girl that he has been dating for the last four years. People in town Simply called her babe. Miss Sunderland was not your typical eye candy. She was pretty enough with her blond silken hair and trademark flowing sundresses she insisted on wearing during the brutal winters. She had just enough bad ass in her, to challenge Lord Lutzburger when she thought him out of line. 

“How about maximizing the lives of your employees, you treat your people like chess pieces. “

Yet he rarely listened.

Every six months, he welcomed the new employees into the fold. He assigned the task of preparing the boardroom and the meeting niceties to his trophy wife. He insisted on being cheap and cutting corners, yet she said it was her project, and she wanted to do it her way. She cut no corners as there were exquisite pancakes, and toppings with plenty of whipped cream.She seemed incredibly happy to do it. She loved taking on a project and she wanted his employees to like working there. 

Turnover was rampant, yet people were willing to work there. People were eager to set their ethics aside and reap the benefits of capitalism. 

He brought a time-honored tradition from his old firm. Every year, one of the executives would show the new candidates how strong the exterior glass was on their office tower by hurling himself against the floor to ceiling windows in the boardroom.He told the recruits to trust the process and the capitalistic system that is in place in the United States. He claimed theywere both infallible. 

The recruits had just gone through their Boot Camp and wereeager to let their hair down. Today was a party day with plenty of pop and circumstance. The boardroom overlooking the city looked lavish and perfect for the occasion. It was a beautiful day; the sky azure with a hint of a breeze, and one could see clear to Lake Ontario. The lake sparkled and seemed to be winking back. 

Chipper was excited about the ceremony as these were his people, and this was his company, and he would mold them as he saw fit. It was no secret that Chipper liked to imbibe and today was no different. The coolers were stuffed with white wine and large cans of Genesee Cream Ale. He had his own private stock stuffed away in his office. It felt like 1973 all over again. He even smoked a cigar for good measure. 

The recruits consisted of nine men and two women. They were all white and seemed to be fresh out of fraternity or sororities. By mid afternoon, he was already slurring his speech and making offhand comments at the women in attendance. They all gathered around as Chipper started to make a speech. He veered off on an unusual tangent and spoke about closing the borders in the United States, even though Canada was the closest border to the office.

He then started rambling about trust. He asked for a volunteer if anyone would like to run into one of the windows that overlooked the city. They all looked around nervously and no one volunteered at first. Then one of the women recruits, Stella, said “I’ll do it.”   Stella weighed all of one hundred pounds, and she bounced off of the window delicately. She dug deep, grimaced, and walked across the room favoring her right shoulder. Those in the room cheered her effort seeming like it was their duty to do so. 

Chipper then stepped center stage and tapped a glass with a spoon to make sure he had their undivided attention. 

“Thank you, Stella. I am glad you trust this building, the process, and our mission. It is bold sacrifice such as this that makes our company great. It is what makes our country great. The city thrives, despite itself if it were not for us, it would disappear from the face of the map. “

Everybody raised their red solo cups in agreement. 

Chipper did the same and charged the window that faced toward the lake. He lowered his shoulder for emphasis. 

Much to the surprise of everybody in the room the glass shattered into a million pieces. There was no safety net as Chipper went flying into the New York sky. Some in the room thought it was part of the stunt and peered expectedly over the shattered precipice. It was a stunt that he thought would break the ice or something. However, the glass gave way, and he fell thirty stories to his death barely missing a popular hot dog vendor below.

Maximizing shareholder wealth may still be the mantra of the day. Freestanding Ink Jets may recover from a plunge such as this. The outlook for the hot dog vendor is not as bright.