I want to go beck to the womb.

Había una vez una dulce niña que quería mucho a su madre y a su abuela. Les ayudaba en todo lo que podía y como era tan buena el día de su cumpleaños su abuela le regaló una caperuza roja. Como le gustaba tanto e iba con ella a todas partes, pronto todos empezaron a llamarla Caperucita roja.
Once upon a time there was a sweet girl who loved her mother and grandmother very much. She helped them in everything she could and since she was so good on her birthday, her grandmother gave her a red hood. Since she liked it so much and went with her everywhere, soon everyone started calling her Little Red Riding Hood.
==================================
Un día la abuela de Caperucita, que vivía en el bosque, enfermó y la madre de Caperucita le pidió que le llevara una cesta con una torta y un tarro de mantequilla. Caperucita aceptó encantada.
Ten mucho cuidado Caperucita, y no te entretengas en el bosque.
– ¡Sí mamá!
One day Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother, who lived in the woods, fell ill and Little Red Riding Hood’s mother asked her to bring her a basket with a cake and a pot of butter. Little Red Riding Hood happily accepted. – Be very careful, Little Red Riding Hood, and don’t linger in the woods. – Yes mom!
La niña caminaba tranquilamente por el bosque cuando el lobo la vio y se acercó a ella.
¿Dónde vas Caperucita?
A casa de mi abuelita a llevarle esta cesta con una torta y mantequilla.
Yo también quería ir a verla…. así que, ¿por qué no hacemos una carrera? Tú ve por ese camino de aquí que yo iré por este otro.
¡Vale!
The girl was walking quietly through the forest when the wolf saw her and approached her. – Where are you going Little Hood? – To my grandmother’s house to bring her this basket with a cake and butter. – I also wanted to go see her…. So why don’t we have a race? You go this way here and I’ll go this other way. – Voucher!
===================================
El lobo mandó a Caperucita por el camino más largo y llegó antes que ella a casa de la abuelita. De modo que se hizo pasar por la pequeña y llamó a la puerta. Aunque lo que no sabía es que un cazador lo había visto llegar.
¿Quién es?, contestó la abuelita
Soy yo, Caperucita – dijo el lobo
Que bien hija mía. Pasa, pasa
The wolf sent Little Red Riding Hood the longest way and arrived before her at granny’s house. So she pretended to be the little girl and knocked on the door. Although what he did not know is that a hunter had seen him arrive. – Who is it?, answered the grandmother – It’s me, Little Red Riding Hood – said the wolf – Good, my daughter. pass, pass
=====================================
El lobo entró, se abalanzó sobre la abuelita y se la comió de un bocado. Se puso su camisón y se metió en la cama a esperar a que llegara Caperucita.
La pequeña se entretuvo en el bosque cogiendo avellanas y flores y por eso tardó en llegar un poco más. Al llegar llamó a la puerta.
¿Quién es?, contestó el lobo tratando de afinar su voz
Soy yo, Caperucita. Te traigo una torta y un tarrito de mantequilla.
Qué bien hija mía. Pasa, pasa
The wolf entered, pounced on the grandmother and ate her in one bite. She put on her nightgown and got into bed to wait for Little Red Riding Hood to arrive. The little girl entertained herself in the forest picking hazelnuts and flowers and that is why she took a little longer to arrive. Upon arrival he knocked on the door. – Who is it?, answered the wolf trying to refine his voice – It’s me, Little Red Riding Hood. I’ll bring you a cake and a pot of butter. – How good my daughter. pass, pass
Cuando Caperucita entró encontró diferente a la abuelita, aunque no supo bien porqué.
¡Abuelita, qué ojos más grandes tienes!
Sí, son para verte mejor hija mía
¡Abuelita, qué orejas tan grandes tienes!
Claro, son para oírte mejor…
Pero abuelita, ¡qué dientes más grandes tienes!
¡¡Son para comerte mejor!!
When Little Red Riding Hood entered, she found Grandma different, although she did not know why. – Granny, what big eyes you have! – Yes, they are to see you better my daughter – Grandma, what big ears you have! – Of course, they are to hear you better… – But granny, what big teeth you have! – They are for eat you better!!
===================================
En cuanto dijo esto el lobo se lanzó sobre Caperucita y se la comió
también. Su estómago estaba tan lleno que el lobo se quedó dormido.
As soon as he said this, the wolf jumped on Little Red Riding Hood and ate her. also. His stomach was so full that the wolf fell asleep.
=======================================
En ese momento el cazador que lo había visto entrar en la casa de la abuelita comenzó a preocuparse. Había pasado mucho rato y tratándose de un lobo…¡Dios sabía que podía haber pasado! De modo que entró dentro de la casa. Cuando llegó allí y vio al lobo con la panza hinchada se imaginó lo ocurrido, así que cogió su cuchillo y abrió la tripa del animal para sacar a Caperucita y su abuelita.
At that moment the hunter who had seen him enter the granny’s house began to worry. It had been a long time and in the case of a wolf God knew it could have happened! So he went into the house. When he got there and saw the wolf with a swollen belly, he imagined what had happened, so he took his knife and opened the animal’s gut to get Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother out.
Hay que darle un buen castigo a este lobo, pensó el cazador.
De modo que le llenó la tripa de piedras y se la volvió a coser. Cuando el lobo despertó de su siesta tenía mucha sed y al acercarse al río, ¡zas! se cayó dentro y se ahogó.
Caperucita volvió a ver a su madre y su abuelita y desde entonces prometió hacer siempre caso a lo que le dijera su madre.
This wolf needs to be punished, thought the hunter.
So he filled her belly with stones and sewed it back up. When the wolf woke up from his nap he was very thirsty and as he approached the river, whoosh! he fell in and drowned. Little Red Riding Hood saw her mother and grandmother again and since then she promised to always listen to what her mother told her.

Printed from the Columbian a local Clark County New Paper 

Family members, social workers, the police and The Columbian are all asking questions after the newspaper printed a death notice Wednesday for a man who is apparently still alive.

Queue up rumbling thunder in the back ground.

The death notice was submitted for Larry Allen McCash, 48, a longtime Clark County man whose last address was listed as Portland. However, he has not appeared in official death records in Washington, and it appears he didn’t die in Oregon, either, although Vancouver police are awaiting confirmation.

If he is actually dead and they are awaiting a call from Larry, it is going to be a longer wait than anticipated. 
 
The incident has also gotten the attention of child welfare authorities, though confidentiality rules prevented them from explaining their interest in McCash.

This is what we know at this point:

My confidence in what follows is not high as this is the same paper who reported a non dead man as dead. So what follows could be conjecture 

On Monday evening, The Columbian’s user-submitted death notice system received a notice for McCash, saying he had died May 21. The death notice did not include the name of a funeral home, which is required by company policy, but it did include a phone number. It also included the name and phone number of a relative.

The supposed funeral home phone number, which was not checked prior to publication in violation of The Columbian’s policy, was for a phone in Brevard County, Fla., that was disconnected and no longer in service as of Friday.

Florida, where semi dead people go to soak up the sun and not be quite so dead. 

On Tuesday morning, The Columbian’s system received a second death notice for McCash, this time saying he had died May 6. Again, no funeral home name was offered, and a different phone number purportedly for a funeral home was offered.

Some conspiracy theorist already is calling this the great voter fraud of 2022

That number wasn’t checked prior to publication, either; when an editor checked Friday, it rang to a restaurant in Gresham, Ore.

Gresham could really use a fast food crematorium, for quick stop shopping on the way to and from Mt. Hood 

Both of the death notices submitted to The Columbian claimed they were submitted by McCash’s brother, Jesse McCash, and included Jesse’s actual phone number. But Jesse McCash told The Columbian that he did not submit either of the death notices. Furthermore, on Tuesday he filed a missing-persons report for Larry McCash with the police.

Larry’s first day of being dead took a turn for the worst. 

A different relative told police that they had been contacted by someone claiming to be a police officer. The caller said McCash had been in a crash in Vancouver last month and that he’d been taken to a Portland hospital with severe injuries.

Although, possibly dead, he was happy to have purchased an extended car warranty.

Vancouver police Detective David Jensen said Friday that there are no calls for service that match that claim. He declined to speculate on the situation.

They usually get a few of these calls a day. 

“This is some kind of shenanigans,” he said. “We don’t necessarily think the shenanigans is criminal in nature. At this moment, we, the police, have no reason to believe foul play is involved.”

“Is your refrigerator running”

The Columbian is taking steps to ensure its internal safeguards will prevent something like this from happening again.

*****The person at the paper, who kept ignoring the rules of dead person reporting, probably did not write this cutting bit of Journalism 

Marvel Bleachman owns the local convenience store down the street. The rundown store sits on the main drag of town. Most consider it an eye sore however it serves its purpose. It basically sells alcohol, cigarettes, soda pop, lottery tickets and an occasional pipe to those not wanting to venture into the sketchier supermarket. Yes for some reason he sold glass smoking pipes before legalization. Bleachman keeps the store immaculate, almost to the point that he is trying to hide something. The store smells spic and span clean as the floors are bleached with disinfectant far more than necessary.

Bleachman works every hour of every day in his convenience store. A television plays either the local news or game shows.  Shopping in the store can be an escape from reality and not necessarily in a good way.

His is not the only convenience store in town as there is a similar store a mere three blocks away. In theory one should serve the west bound traffic and the other eastbound traffic. If that line of thinking was entirely correct Bleachman’s store should get the bulk of the traffic as is his store is a few blocks off the interstate. However, anecdotal evidence tells a different story.

The store down the street is far more popular and it is a spot of bother to Marvel, why this is true. He has weekly specials on off brand beers and he sells his cigarettes a dime cheaper than the store down the street. He had promised himself he would get out the business as soon as his kids completed college. Education was something he truly valued. And he by all means, that is why he came to the United States, that it being the opportunity for his kids. The Mini-Mart gave him that opportunity. While most stores such as his were moderately profitable his store was a lean mean money making machine. The reason the store made so much money was that he didn’t hire any help. He opened the store and he closed the store. He saw the same customers buy too much wine at night and then coffee in the morning to wash away the ill effects from the previous night. It is not a bad business model.

All his hopes and dreams were tied to the mini mart. And still it numbed him into a state of ennui. He no longer had a real relationship with the kids he was putting through college and he and wife never took a vacation and she never seemed all to worried about it.

He really needed a vacation and it showed.  He was rarely chatty with customers, rarely friendly and he was the face of the business. He was the only person ever there. His hands hurt when he counted out change, and rarely changed displays as his back hurt when lifting heavy objects. And now his daughter wanted to go to grad school.  He did not know if he could keep this up for another three years.

He is a first generation immigrant was living the paradoxical American dream. As if that really existed any more. To those fairly new to the country it was a fable told word to mouth yet never substantiated.

Still the mini mart made money. Recently he has been training his nephew Barry to run the cash register so he can take a little break here and there. As if he would ever take a break before his daughters finished college. He wanted them to get ahead and not work 98 hours a week toiling in a convenience store.

He told Barry he would be back in an hour and he started taking a stroll down Main Street toward the other store in town. The town looked strange to him as he had not been out in the midday sun for years. Well if he had, he certainly wasn’t waltzing down the Main Street in town.

He thought this might be a great time to treat himself to a nice cup of coffee as the coffee at the minimart was drinkable at best. The coffee shop was a half block from Marvels Mini Mart. He walked into the coffee shop and marveled at the plush sofas, the gentle music and that beautiful smell of coffee. He placed an order at the counter and was somewhat irritated that his coffee wouldn’t be ready for a few minutes. He introduced himself to the gitl behind the counter and she asked if he was visiting from another town.

“No I own the store right across the street.”

“Did you just buy the store?” Alex from behind the counter asked with a hint of distraction as a couple entered the cozy little coffee shop.

“You two want your usual?” she said to the couple and they gave a friendly thumbs up. They did not even walk up the counter, rather they took a seat on one of the overstuffed reading chairs.

“I have owned that bloody store for the last thirteen years.” He said to Alex, with surprising lack of bitterness, and he took a seat at the table right in the back room next to the fire place.

He was going to drink his coffee on the way to the other store in town. Against the run of play, he decided to sit and have his coffee by the fireplace. It was peaceful and he liked how calm and relaxed this place made him feel. The paradox of the coffee shop was not exactly lost on him, but he really could not appoint himself an expert. For the last ten years he has either been in the mini-mart,home with his wife of in a deep sleep. As he thought about this, he thought his experience was that of being on a ten year space expedition and the world had completely changed while he was away.

Although his back was facing toward him he thought he noticed the confident arrogance of the customer at the counter. It was none other than his nephew who was supposed to be tending the store. He was in and out of the little bistro, with coffee in hand, while he had waited about five minutes. He remembered when he moved to this country many many years ago. There were still mores and customs he need to learn. Or had he learned that he was the only person who could run the store. Nobody else cared as much as he did.

He soon after, picked up has coffee, and headed toward that other store in town. He noticed a fairly large retail shop on the street corner. He had driven by it hundreds of occasions without registering what the store was actually selling. Heck this is a business trip of sorts, he argued with the logical side of his decision making process. The dominant, risk aversive side of his brain was simply ignoring him today. He decided to go with it and check out what this store was actually selling.

He passed through a large glass door and was greeted by a friendly man asking him to see an ID. The man looked at him again and simply waved him in. Marvel was not sure how to take this microscopic nuanced exchange but this could keep him awake on some other night.

He walked in and was immediately greeted by a rather attractive well spoken woman. He knew she was well spoken before she said a word to him. Here was this customer service person who looked him in the eye and asked him if he needed help with anything.

“Let me look around a little bit” he said as he patted his back pocket confirming he still had his wallet. He never walked around with a wallet. While he worked his wallet was at home. That was the last thing he need stolen. And now he found himself suddenly outside a place he has always been.

His comfort zone.